Well....That's Not the Way I Would Do It...

One of the greatest gifts of our human culture is raising our babies in community. And if we are very lucky we raise our children surrounded by diverse family make-ups, varieties of ages and ethnic groups, different ways of raising children and different ideas of how to parent. By simply being human we get to grow and be influenced by all the people that surround us.

So, it isn’t surprising that one of the parenting questions I hear most often is:

“We are raising our children with these principles and ideals but our parents/siblings/friends interact with our children completely counter to our values. How do we help our parents/siblings/friends use our way with our children?”

From years of co-raising children with a variety of families I can tell you that every family raises their children in different ways than I use in my classroom and in a different way than in my home environment. Sometimes it drives me bonkers that parents just won’t listen to what I have to tell them, but I have come to learn three very important things about raising our children in our global community of human beings and have grown so much from working with families with diverse values.

1. Every person (save the very minor few), want to do best by your children. They want to show your children that they love them, they want your children to be happy and to grow into amazing people. Every person is doing the best they can with the tools that they have, the way they were raised and their own human experience. As soon as you can understand this you can see that love overrides anything that may be bothering you about how they interact with your child.

2. You can never change a person, a person has to want to change. There is no better way to encourage a change than to model the behaviour you want to see. The only way a person can know there is a different way to do something is to see that difference in action. So LIVE your parenting choices and your family values, show them to everyone around you, be proud of your decisions and model how you parent and raise your family. Over time, the people that see the benefit of the way you parent will change and the people that don’t, won’t, and that’s ok.

3. Every family, every person is on their own path through life. What values you have as a family will not be the same as your neighbours, friends or siblings. When my child asks why their friend gets dessert every day and we don’t let I let them know that our family values are different than theirs and that’s ok. If you are strong in your family values it is so much easier to respect other’s family values. It is easier to be ok that they are different, to live without judgement and to enjoy the differences. It may mean that when your children are at grandma’s house they watch tv and go on candy scavenger hunts, while at home you don’t have a television and are sugar free. But that is ok. You have rooted your child in your family values so a short time living someone else’s values isn’t going to change that, in fact, it will help your child to see that different houses, different family members, different friends live differently.

And how lucky is that, that our children get to experience people living differently and then get to come home to the safety of their family - the largest influence in their growth. Living in our human community allows for variety, and grows robust humans ready to respect different values and ideas. It allows our children to experience different things and decide what they like, what resonates with them. And you are always there, the safe parents, ready to love, model and share your own family values with them. 

Say,...Then Do

It’s a simple trick, but so meaningful and it will change the way you build your relationship with your child and every relationship they have after you.

From birth, every time you are going to move your child’s body, say what you are doing before you do it.

To a one month old, “It’s time to put on your pants, I’m going to put your right foot into the pant leg.”

To a one year old, “It’s time to wash your hands, I’ll hold your hands to get the soap rinsed off in the sink.”

To a three year old, “I’m going to lift you onto the toilet so that you can go pee.”

To a six year old, “I see you are upset. I’m going to move your body so you don’t get stepped on and am here to give you a hug if you want one.”

To an adult, “I’m just going to pass behind you here to grab the bananas.”

Every time we say what we are going to do and then do it our children understand the following:

• We have a deep respect for them as a person - though they can’t do something themselves we aren’t going to supersede our will over theirs, instead we are going to enable them through our hands

• We promote self-esteem and self-image, by verbalizing and articulating how we are moving a child we help them understand what their body is and how it works.

• We are asking for consent with our movements, by saying what we are doing, we ask the questions, “are you ok with this?”

• We will be a helper even when a child is unable to emotionally do for themselves - instead of ‘forcing’ a child to get dressed to go outside, by verbalizing and then doing we are letting the child know that something is going to happen and then following through with our statement. Consistently and reliably.

Finally, verbalizing allows us to take a breath. Often we rush through life with our children, moving them through space, battling with them to get things done. Saying and then doing slows us down, calms us down and acknowledges us in relationship to our children.

By saying, then doing, we set up our children to understand respectful, consensual relationships to last a life time. 

"The Mean Look": Children's Consent through the Holidays

My youngest daughter taught me a lot about consent. From the moment she hit the sheets she hated everyone. By age 6 months she had developed what we called “The Mean Look” that she threw at anyone she didn’t know or didn’t know well that decided to send attention her way. Random strangers ran from this look, it was that intense. Over time my daughter learned to trust the people she saw often and would go up for a cuddle or hug and now The Mean Look is a thing of the past, but that first few years taught me a lot about respecting a child’s need to be in charge of their own body and feelings.

I'm a big advocate of encouraging a foundation of consent in young children. Your children may be seeing a lot of people that are unfamiliar or less familiar to them over the holidays and may be uncomfortable with expected hugs and kisses. Offer your child, instead, a choice of ways in which to say hello or goodbye - a hand shake, high five, wave or hug - and let them choose. Let your child know that it is courteous to say hello or goodbye but they can choose the way they feel most comfortable. 

When headed to hang out with Santa, if that is something you do, respond to your child’s cues. Invite your child to hug Santa but don’t expect them to and please don’t force them to sit on Santa’s lap. It is such a bizarre cultural phenomena that we work so hard to warn our children about strangers and then encourage them to run up to one and give them a hug. 

Use your platform as a parent to quietly (or loudly) educate your friends and relatives about the importance of the early understanding of consent. Respecting your children now lays the foundations of all their future relationships and helps them understand that if they aren’t comfortable is good and right for them to voice their discomfort and for us to support them. If you are questioned by those around you as to why let them know that you are supporting the early development of consent in your child, something we can all get behind. 

By empowering a child’s ability to say, “yes” and by respecting a child when they say, “no” we are building a human society where consent doesn’t have to be learned as adults, it will be in the creation of every person.

Holiday Gift Giving Guide

As we all have people in our families itching to purchase gifts for our children and as many of us will be buying gifts in the next few weeks I thought this would be a good time to share some ideas on how to guide your gift purchases which you are welcome to heed or not.

I believe that all things (toys, clothing, books, furniture, etc) incorporated into our children's lives should be beautiful, austere, purposeful and made with natural materials. Instead of overwhelming our children with more, more, more, we can choose higher quality items and less. Focus on experiences rather than stuff. And organize our child's home environments so that they can access these beautiful things relatively independently. 

For toys, this means we search for toys made of wood or metal that allow children to manipulate and explore and we stay away from plastic, bright lights and electronic noises.

For clothing, we look for clothing that is free of branding (Disney, Dora, Marvel, etc). and that allows toddlers to dress independently and move freely.

With books (board books or paper books,) we love stories that have children as main characters, beautiful illustrations and we also include non-fiction books filled with facts.

Furniture should encourage your child's participation in life at home, made out of natural materials (non-plastic) and again be something they can use independently.

Now, you say, "that's all great but give me a list of what to buy, will ya?"

Consider when making your purchase this lovely saying:

"Buy them something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read." And that’s it.

For our toddlers and toys here is a brief list and links to a few great articles:

Great brands of toys:

Hape, Plan Toys, Grimm, Moover, Melissa and Doug

Toy suggestions:

- small knobbed wooden puzzles 

- 12-piece wooden puzzles

- nesting dolls (they all loves these in class)

- large wooden lacing beads

- wooden ride on toys or balance bikes

- micro scooter

- stacking toys (check out the Grimm brand)

- wooden train set

- dollhouse

- farm animals and a barn

- doll and doll carriage (check out Corolle dolls and Moover doll carriage)

- art supplies

- broom and dustpan (check out the Melissa and Doug "Let's Play House, Dust, Sweep and Mop)

- table and chairs or stool to eat with the family

Great Article - ideas apply to the Toddler age group as well.

http://midwestmontessori.tumblr.com/post/116660862851/ultimate-montessori-gift-guide-for-a-one-year-old

http://thistoddlerlife.com/how-to-have-a-montessori-christmas-with-a-toddler/

http://coolmompicks.com/blog/2014/08/10/best-gifts-for-a-two-year-old/

http://letslassothemoon.com/2013/11/21/alternative-gift-ideas/

I'm sure you all have great ideas for this as well. Add your ideas to the comments below!

Finally, it's most important for your children to learn that it is what we give, not what we get that is important and that time spent with loved ones and homemade gifts are just as nice as bought items. Involve your children by having them help you make your cards, wrapping paper, help them make presents (like ornaments, picture frames, homemade cookies, etc) that they give to the people that matter to them. Make this holiday season about family time, service to others and compassion to those less fortunate.

All Weather Kids

Our toddler community is an all weather kind of people. We go outside in the sun, the rain, the snow and the moderate Canadian cold. We live by the saying that there is no bad weather only bad clothing. We work hard with our parent community to provide outdoor clothing that works for the children so that they are warm and protected outside. We show examples of great rain and winter boots, the perfect mitts and hats, a good snow suit, a suitable fall coat. Finally, we hold up a Muddy Buddy - basically a one-piece rain suit. “Please, purchase one of these before your child starts with us.”

I remember the moment when I became so passionate about children being outside in all kinds of weather. The playground was muddy, and children were jumping in the puddles. And they were muddy. The next day, those muddy children had to stay in from recess to help them understand that getting muddy wasn’t something that they should be doing outside at recess. As I sat and thought about this consequence I felt so sad for the children. What is a puddle there for, if not to be jumped in? Suddenly I was the spokesperson for all weather outdoor recesses. 

When a child is prepared with the appropriate rain gear and the school and home are prepared to deal with the mess (a wash station, a place for the muddy clothing, a system to clean up, etc) a child can experience the joy of all weather, not just the sunny days. And children love being outside in the rain.

I want children to know that a rainy day can be as happy as a sunny one. I want a child to wake up and look outside, excited about whatever weather they may encounter. I want them to think about what activities each kind of weather brings - sun is for sliding down slides, playing ball, hoola-hooping. Rain - sliding down muddy slides, jumping in big puddles, dancing. Snow - making the biggest foot prints, sledding down hills, building snow forts. 

I know if a child grows experiencing all kinds of weather days that when they are adults they can look at every day as a new and possibly wonderful experience to be had. I want a person to love Mondays as much as Fridays, a thunderstorm as much as a sunbeam, see a challenge as an opportunity. 

A few weeks ago we got in from being outside at recess in the rain. Two of the children were lost in tears. An adult walked by and said, “Wow, they really didn’t like being out in the rain.” But she missed it. For outside they had been laughing, making the biggest splashes in knee deep puddles. They had been covered in mud up to their knees and then rolled through the grass to get clean. They had danced with their faces towards the sky feeling the rain on their skin. They didn’t hate the rain. They were devastated to come inside. 

Our adult ideas about weather and mess shouldn’t keep our children from experiencing life outside. In fact, our children's love for life should encourage our adult experiences. Get yourself some good outdoor gear. Choose to be all weather kinds of people. 

If You Can Get UP, You Can Get DOWN

I heard my co-teacher coaching a child who had climbed up and onto a tree stump, “If you were able to get up there on your own, you know how to get down.” She stood witness, and verbal coach as the child navigated her own descent. When the child made it back to the ground her face glowed with pride. My co-teacher said, “You got down all by yourself. I can see on your face that you feel pretty good about that.” 

Many of us are about to spend a great deal of time at playgrounds, on hikes, at parks, outdoors. Our children are going to push their own limits, climbing, jumping, running, squeezing into spaces that are small and fun. I want to share with you my one of my mottos to keep the children in my care and my own children safe. “If you can get up, you can get down.” 

What does this look like? When I’m at a park you will see me on a bench with a book, or with a friend, and a watchful eye. Even when my children were little I sat away and let them experience the park and their own limitations. I know that my children will take risks. I also know that my children and MOST children understand their own limits. By giving them space to reach their limits the children learn about their own capabilities and also learn to rely on themselves, not me.

Sometimes, when I am at a playground, I’ll watch an adult help a child climb a climber, or navigate some parallel bars - helping the child get up higher or navigate equipment that the child can’t possibly do on their own. This not only gives a false sense to a child of their capabilities but it also makes them reliant on an adult to help them down. A hovering adult doesn’t keep a child safe, in fact, it inhibits a child’s experience and creates a false sense of ability. 

My daughter is a climber. One day she scaled a swing set at a playground all the way to the top. About 15 feet off the ground. And she got stuck. “Mom, I can’t get down.” I reminded her that since she got up she could get down. I could see in her face her panic and I told her to breathe and take a moment. I stood under her and used my voice to talk her down the swing set. There was no way I could go up and save her (I am not a climber). She could only save herself. When we respect a child’s capabilities as a tiny person, as they grow they understand themselves as capable. We can witness their work, but we can’t do the work for them. 

I encourage you this summer, and always, to give your child the opportunity to risk. If you have a baby, let them meet a milestone without you physically helping them. Resist the urge to prop them or hold them up to walk, they will get there without your help. When you are out at parks and playgrounds, trust that your child will meet their limits and trust their capabilities. Be watchfully negligent. Be witness to their self-testing and available to talk them out when they get stuck, but don’t rescue them. We are building resilient, capable, independent humans and we have to do that by allowing them to flex their own abilities, not rely on ours. 

Carrots, Not Stickers

We call them “carrots” in our house. Not bribes or rewards but tiny, little carrots. “If you go get your p.j.s on now we will have extra time for books.” “Snacks are on the table after you wash your hands.” “We need to find room for your new summer clothes by cleaning out your drawers.” Not bribes or rewards but an acknowledgement of what motivates our children and what they dislike. A way to encourage them to do what they dislike in order to get onto something they like. 

It’s much the same with adults. “I’ll just finish up writing this report and then go have a coffee.” “Once I wash the dishes I can read my book.” Just as every task in adult life rate on a scale of loved to loathed so are tasks and activities for our children. Just as we struggle to meet tasks we dislike, so do our children. But a lot of our tasks are required and so we make them more palatable with built in choice and carrots at the end. If your child doesn’t like to get dressed in the morning - that’s what happens before we eat breakfast. Bedtime a struggle? Books come last, after toothbrushing, bathing, etc. 

This is very different from external rewards. 

A parent giving a child M&Ms for going to the potty. An allowance for doing household chores. Stickers in homework books. Rewards have little to nothing to do with the action or task required. We know that rewards feel good and often generate results so why not use them with our children? 

Let’s reflect on this as if your child was an adult. An M&M for going to the bathroom. Money for doing the laundry. Stickers for finishing a deadline at work. These rewars, when put into adult terms sound ridiculous because responsibilities don’t require rewards.  Children need self-motivation to complete their responsibilities.  

There are three big reasons to encourage your child’s self-motivation instead of using rewards to get the behaviour or action you desire.

1. Rewards are short-term. They become expected and they tend to increase in value as their effects wear off. The rewards will stop being meaningful and the good behaviour or action will cease unless the child is rewarded on a greater and greater scale. 

2. Our children have a deep desire to learn, repeat, and perfect. By giving them external rewards our children come to understand that it is the finishing of something, not the process that is important. We want our children to learn, repeat and perfect and that is process - not product.

3. We want our children to want to do something for the betterment of themselves, the family, or others. We want that feeling to be nurtured within them, not prescribed by us. This can only come about by adults planting the seed of expectation and helping a child to grow into their responsibilities.

Use carrots, not stickers. The reward is what you learn, the skill you perfect, your social responsibility. Your gift is the growth of confidence, being of service to humanity, the agency that stems from internal desire. You win, not because of the thing you will receive but because of your life long drive towards success. 

Are You Ok?

Are You Ok?

Empowering our Children’s Growing Empathy

It is an inevitability. Your child wants something from another child and grabs it away. Your child pushes another child over in a rush to get to the slide. Your child gets frustrated and bites a child when they are both trying to occupy the same space. These interactions are all part of your child learning how to socialize with other people. Our instinct, as adults, is to encourage our child’s empathy by having them apologize. You bend down, look them in the eye and say, “You hurt Kyle. “Say you’re sorry.”

Wanting our children to understand and nurture their empathetic side is natural. We want our children to have deep empathy for those around them. Young children, however, are purposefully oppositional. They are supposed to dig in and say no. Asking them to apologize sets up an immediate opportunity for a power struggle. And no adult ever wins a power struggle against a toddler. 

Asking a child to say sorry is an intellectual, rational action. Many toddlers can’t reflect on the pain they caused another person. Asking a child to say sorry has no meaning for them, it has no weight. They don’t feel sorry, they don’t understand why them saying sorry is important for you. We know that children need to experience life through physical cause and effect. They need to experience empathy in a tangible way, not in an intellectual one.

So, what can we do to empower our children’s growing empathy?

Here is the simple twist on saying sorry that changes a mental activity into a physical one:

After your child has hurt someone, you bend down, look them in the eye and say, “You hurt Kyle, let’s go see if he is ok.” Return to Kyle and YOU ask him, with your child by your side, “Are you ok? What can we do to make it better?” You can suggest some options - a hug, a glass of water, a tissue - and then your child (and you) can perform the action of empathy. 

The more you practice with your child asking if the other child is ok and what you can do to make it better the more your child practices empathy. The more practice of a tangible action of empathy the more your child is empowered by their empathy. The more empowerment they have, the more your child understands that they can change the way they have made someone feel through a restorative action. 

Soon your child will ask another child if they are ok without you modelling or prompting and, soon they will be able to take action to help the other child feel better without your help. This empowers your child’s empathy, it gives your child independence in their social relationship building. By helping your child take action, rather than saying sorry, you encourage their moral growth and ultimately lay the foundation of healthy relationships for the rest of their life. 

Freedom and Limits - The Path to Self-Discipline

For me, parenting is definitely harder than teaching. When I go into work every day I know I am giving my day over to the children in my class. Whatever their needs are, whatever their day brings, I am there to live it with them. A wild day where we are washing paint off the walls, no one is hitting the toilet and naps seem optional - no problem, I’m there. A day where everyone has intense focus and just want to learn the art of flower arranging? Tag me in. When I chose to become a toddler guide I knew I could I harness that objective, open love for whatever we were going to experience in the day and go with the children in the community wherever they needed to go and help them as they developed. 

Parenting is a completely different ball game. 

It’s Friday and it’s been a particularly energetic week at school. I look forward to Fridays because we usually eat dinner with our good friends, our children play together as we have a glass of wine and dive deep into our adult conversations. Our children get along well, so we can usually rely on them running away to the attic and having an hour to sit together and enjoy adult time. On this Friday when the parents are tired, the children are more tired. The children run upstairs after supper and we are just settling in the living room when one child comes down whining that the others aren’t playing with them. Next, the three other children come down stairs all arguing over the same dress-up dress. We talk them through their challenges and get them back upstairs playing, letting them know that we can only stay together if they can work out their struggles together and have a good time. For the following fifteen minutes one or another child is in tears or complaining. We adults look at each other, it’s one of those times where we have to do what is best for the children even if we are missing out on what we want to do. We know that all the children need to head to bed even though we all want to hold on to the night a little longer. So I make the call, ‘It’s time for us to head home guys.” Four children dissolve, “We want to play together.” “We promise we will stop complaining.” “We will be better.” All through tears and yelling. Because we have been doing this for a while the grownups calmly give each other hugs, and my husband and I slowly move our children to the door and out towards home. This is when parenting is hard, when our children’s needs and our adult desires are in conflict. 

It is important to understand as parents that the end goal with regards to discipline is that the children are self-disciplined – that they follow an inner commander and regulate their own conduct. But this development takes time and only comes about through careful preparations and guidance from the adults around the children. This means that we are always parents first when we are with our children, we make strong decisions and create clear boundaries about expected actions and behaviours so our children can learn discipline. 

Children need boundaries and guidelines about appropriate behaviour. They need support and consistency in the way we meet them with our disciplining. Remember that children are in the process of creating themselves from what they are receiving from the world around them. To understand their world there must be order and rules. The most important tool for any adult working with a child is to ensure that the boundaries you make for your child are consistent and you are able to uphold them. All rules, if broken, should have natural consequences that are directly related to the rule. I encourage the use of natural consequences rather than rewards and punishments. Rewards and punishments directly work against a child’s inner discipline and do much more harm than good. 

We know, as parents, that there will be times where our children need us to make the hard choices for them and times when our children will be able to self-regulate and manage themselves. This will change daily, or even situation to situation. What is manageable one moment is impossible the next. Knowing this, we maintain our calm and consistent love for our children and recognize that they are on the path to a greater self-discipline. 

“Let us always remember that inner discipline is something to come, and not something already present. Our task is to show the way to discipline” (Maria Montessori, The Absorbent Mind).

For more tips check out my free resource on Freedom and Limits - The Path to Self-Discipline in the Resource section of this website.

Here are some great references regarding parenting and discipline in particular:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk - by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazush

How to Raise and Amazing Child the Montessori Way - by Tim Seldin

Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children - by Dr. Thomas Gordon

The Montessori Toddler - by Simone Davies

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason - by Alphie Kohn

Unruffled - Podcast by Janet Landsbury

A Good Book

Finding good books is so important for our children. Reading to our children from birth is the single most important support to early literacy and helps develop a life long love of reading. Our youngest children need books based in reality, stories featuring children are fantastic or stories that our children would experience in their lives. This is important because young children take EVERYTHING IN as if it is reality - so if there are monsters in a book to them monsters are real. We want to provide a strong foundation in real life so that when our children are older and capable of imagining they can understand reality from fiction, and this foundation starts from birth. 

Finding good books is hard. There are so many books for children out there and so many of them underestimate our children’s need for reality by either having talking animals, featuring magical creatures like superheroes, fairies, etc., or using branded figures for promotion - books on Paw Patrol or Dora the Explorer. This does a disservices to our children and their needs and so we have to become really good book critics and buy with authority. 

In effort to help with book purchases - because it is easy to get overwhelmed with options - here are a few links. 

How we Montessori: http://www.howwemontessori.com/how-we-montessori/books/ 

The Montessori Notebook has compiled a list of 100 books that are all good (although some are in dutch) and also gives the following clear and helpful guidelines for book buying:

1 based in reality

2 make sure it is beautiful

3 number of words per page to be age appropriate

4 right type of book for their age

5 look for rich language

6 includes interesting details

http://www.themontessorinotebook.com/books-for-montessori-children/

The secret society of books has a fantastic instagram account (secretsocietyofbooks) and I use it often to help my book purchases. They also have a website. http://www.secretsocietyofbooks.com

Think about what books you would like to have around for a long time and what books you won't mind reading and re-reading with your children. Beautiful books, with children in the centre of the storyline are going to be more interesting and have more longevity than any books that follow a brand or that have talking animals. 

Happy book hunting.