A Space for All

When my youngest daughter was seven months old I started a home daycare for her and four of my teacher-friends’ children. It was a win for all of us. I could stay home with my child and they could be confident that their children were going to be well cared for as they went back to work. 

My husband and I spent the summer before opening the daycare changing our entire main floor of our 2.5 story brick century-old house into a prepared environment for children from 6 months - 3 years old. Not to toot our horns, but the space was beautiful. We had collected really nice toys for our first daughter, wooden puzzles, stacking toys, a large wooden barn, and more books than you can imagine. I set up little tables for them to work at and a small couch for them to sit and read books on. The children loved spending their day in that space and so did I. I knew I was privileged that I could stay home with my daughter and still support the family financially.

As the year went on, however, both my husband and I began to struggle. Our children had a place to play, even my 3 year old could thrive in our little home-school environment. But there was no space for my husband and I to relax. At night, after we put the girls to bed, our hang-out and relax together time was spent in bed. We needed some space for adulting in. 

At the fundamental level my husband and I experienced what many children experience every day of their lives - a space that isn’t prepared for them. 

A space for both the adults and the children to thrive is the ideal scenario for home. When my husband and I transformed our main floor back from a home daycare environment we looked at our space critically. We wanted somewhere where our whole family could be together and have fun together but was clean and clutter free. We made use of an aesthetic set of drawers for games and art supplies. A small armoire held puzzles and lego, books for adults and children went beside the couch in a pretty basket. We rotated toys out of the living spaces and into storage often so we didn’t have all our toys out at once. The couch and chairs were accessible to us all, as well as the dinning table - with high chairs that my children could get into and out of independently. In the bathroom we found a stool that was both functional and beautiful so our children could brush their teeth independently. In the kitchen, low drawers were filled with child sized dishes and accessible snacks and a stool was made available so they could reach the sink. At the front door we put two pretty mirrors, one at adult height and one a child height, across from the mirrors - low and high hooks for coats. 

Our space isn’t perfect but everything has a place and everyone moves with relative freedom and independence in the house. And when something needs changing, we change it. When visitors come to our house they comment on how tidy it is - but it really just has some great storage solutions and is designed for our whole family in mind - not just the children and not just the adults. Follow my instagram @thebestforthesmallest where I post different home and school ideas. Just as our children are always changing, so will our spaces we create for them and eventually they create for themselves. We should always look at our living space as a place that serves the needs of the whole family and allows the whole family to feel at peace and comfortable. 

Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk

It had been a day with a lot of water activities. Someone had watered the plants (and the floor from the sink to the plants), someone had washed the linens (and had sloshed their pitcher all the way to the basins) another child was busy washing their hands at the basin over and over again. Dishes were being done with great enthusiasm. For what seemed like the hundredth time I invited a child to mop for us, pushing the mop from one shiny spot on the floor to another. My co-teacher was gone that day and we had our wonderful supply teacher in. After another turn around the room with the mop she asked me, “How are you so calm about all the water on the floor?” My response, “Oh, it’s just another opportunity to practice mopping.” She looked stunned for a minute, then a smile played on her lips, “What a brilliant way to think.” 

I remember the first time my trainer at The Montessori Institute said any spill or paint on the wall or anything that we would usually deem a mess is just an opportunity to practice another skill. It was a lightening blot moment for me. I remember being in my classroom before and getting flustered or anxious as children would cut snippets into a pile on the floor or pour water from their drinking cup onto the table. I had trouble understanding that mess, disorder, was an opportunity at practicing the creation of order - a skill that young children are just learning. Since that lightening bolt moment I use that line both out loud and in my head every day. It gives myself and the children in my care permission to settle into our work, to not fret over everything being perfect and clean at every moment, to make mistakes, have accidents and recover from them.

You remember the saying “Don’t cry over spilt milk?” How many times have our children spilled or broken or mussed and our first reaction has been anger or frustration? The agitation of disorder and knowing that we have to clean something up flares our emotions. I can’t remember where this came from but here’s the general idea: Spilt milk takes moments to clean up, shaming a child because of a mistake or an accident takes years to recover from. And the amazing thing is, in raising our children to be resilient, in recognizing their capabilities, in giving them tools - both psychologically and physically, we don’t even have to do the clean up - THEY do it. So when my daughter cries, “Mom, I got paint on the wall.” I don’t have to feel frustrated and rush to the scene - I can now just call back - “It’s ok, you know how to clean it up.” For our youngest children who are just starting to make messes, it may be as simple as a cloth and a spray bottle. For our oldest - they don’t even need to be told that if they spill it’s their responsibility to clean, because we have already set that expectation. Instead of being angry and frustrated we can funnel that energy into showing how to clean, in modelling orderliness, in modelling making a mistake, having an accident and recovering from it. 

Accidents, mistakes, messes, they are a part of life, it’s our reaction we can control. Re-frame that spill as an opportunity for practicing a skill and eventually, it’s an opportunity to excel, to be independent, to be resilient.

Supporting your Child Through their Big Emotions

It had been a long morning. We had languished over our lunch of lentils and rice and were running late into circle time and nap. Every day, at the end of lunch, the children go to the bathroom, wash their hands and face, and brush their teeth. Today the last of the children were just finishing up washing their faces when it was time for nap. This is when I made my mistake. James was reaching for his toothbrush when I said, “We’ve run out of time James, you’ll have to skip toothbrushing today.” James dissolved into tears and fell to the floor, deeply distraught and full of sadness and frustration. 

My thinking was clear, James had taken a long time to clear his lunch dishes, toilet, and wash up, and a natural consequence was not having time to brush his teeth. What I failed to recognize was that toddlers have no notice of time, but instead order appears as routine and consistency and is very strong in them. James had no notion that he was running out of time in his clean up activities, in fact, most of our day allows for our toddlers to take their time. I also failed to recognize James’s developing personality, for some children a change in routine is manageable but I knew James depended on routine for him to feel a sense of control in his life. I missed two classic triggers for tantrums and on cue, James responded. 

I kept James safe as he cried and let him know that I was with him to help. After a few minutes James stopped crying and I offered him a hug. We sat on the floor together and cuddled for several minutes and then James toddled off to his cot for a nap. I let him know that I saw his frustration in not being able to brush his teeth and that we would make sure that he would have time after nap. I didn’t rush to get his toothbrush for him in the moment, nor go back on my decision that toothbrushing time was over, but I did make a mental note that in the future I’d let James go ahead and brush his teeth even if we were into nap time.

This is just one of the thousands of anecdotes that I have from working with young children over the years. I spend a lot of time preparing myself to remain calm, learn the personalities of the children to understand their own personal triggers, and sit with them to keep them safe as they experience their emotions. I’m always there with a hug when it’s all over and ready to help them re-engage in their daily activities and make amends when necessary. 

I act as the children’s pre-frontal cortex. I help children regulate their emotions. Children’s pre-frontal cortexes are still developing and they need adults to help them feel emotions safely, understand them and learn how to regulate them. I never shame a child or punish them for big feelings and I work hard not to be embarrassed or apologize for my own children when we are out in public and they are having a tantrum. I know that young children, especially, have very little control over their lives and that when a routine changes, or their order is thrown off that loss of control is felt very deeply. When a young child is hungry, tired or over-stimulated they can’t always understand why they feel cranky or out of control and they need us to help them out. These little ones live in a world of giants that dictate their lives and big emotions are one of the ways small children have to let the adults in their lives know that they feel something is wrong and need our help. 

Children gain control over their emotions over time. By acknowledging and validating their work and by understanding why they are feeling the way they are, we respect the children and they gain a deeper foundation of what it means to be human.

For more tips check out my free resource on Supporting your Child Through their Big Emotions in the Resource section of this website. 

I’m So Glad You’re Here

I’ve been a Montessori Guide for years. I started right out of University in 2005 and worked pretty steadily in classrooms until I had my first daughter in 2011. Even then I was back in schools administrating and supporting teachers with her strapped to my chest. I love my work, and I love watching my daughter grow and develop as we tried our best to follow her and support her at home. My second daughter was born in 2014 and it was with her birth that a spark of urgency started to grow inside of me. 

Every year I work with a new set of families and children. I speak to many other teachers, guides and early education workers. I run workshops for parents and grandparents and caregivers. All the time there is a clear message from them and from me - we can do better. It is an odd time in raising children - we are torn by wanting our children to be absolutely safe and successful but don’t know how to get them there. As adults, we are terrified of our children having to suffer, we see struggle as evil. We subvert our children’s capacity in order to do for them, so that they don’t have to put out effort. But… it is the very act of effort that will lead them to be successful, in struggling, a person learns to succeed. 

And so the urgency inside me grows. 

If we change the way we interact with the youngest of our humanity - the babies, the toddlers and preschoolers and treat them as capable, important members of our society we will change the way we are as a humanity. By respecting our smallest members and by making them matter by encouraging their place, their work, then they will grow with confidence, understanding how to function in relationships with others.

We have to change now, we have to raise our children up, help them develop resiliency, grit, develop their capabilities, understand consent, understand boundaries and limits, become secure and successful adults. 

I invite you to journey with me. I’ll share my experience, observations, and opinions on child-rearing grounded in my years of working with the youngest children. I’ll answer your questions and hear your stories, share in your triumphs and commiserate when it is hard. Together we will change the way we support our children and change humanity. 

I’m so glad you’re here, because we’ve got work to do.