We call them “carrots” in our house. Not bribes or rewards but tiny, little carrots. “If you go get your p.j.s on now we will have extra time for books.” “Snacks are on the table after you wash your hands.” “We need to find room for your new summer clothes by cleaning out your drawers.” Not bribes or rewards but an acknowledgement of what motivates our children and what they dislike. A way to encourage them to do what they dislike in order to get onto something they like.
It’s much the same with adults. “I’ll just finish up writing this report and then go have a coffee.” “Once I wash the dishes I can read my book.” Just as every task in adult life rate on a scale of loved to loathed so are tasks and activities for our children. Just as we struggle to meet tasks we dislike, so do our children. But a lot of our tasks are required and so we make them more palatable with built in choice and carrots at the end. If your child doesn’t like to get dressed in the morning - that’s what happens before we eat breakfast. Bedtime a struggle? Books come last, after toothbrushing, bathing, etc.
This is very different from external rewards.
A parent giving a child M&Ms for going to the potty. An allowance for doing household chores. Stickers in homework books. Rewards have little to nothing to do with the action or task required. We know that rewards feel good and often generate results so why not use them with our children?
Let’s reflect on this as if your child was an adult. An M&M for going to the bathroom. Money for doing the laundry. Stickers for finishing a deadline at work. These rewars, when put into adult terms sound ridiculous because responsibilities don’t require rewards. Children need self-motivation to complete their responsibilities.
There are three big reasons to encourage your child’s self-motivation instead of using rewards to get the behaviour or action you desire.
Rewards are short-term. They become expected and they tend to increase in value as their effects wear off. The rewards will stop being meaningful and the good behaviour or action will cease unless the child is rewarded on a greater and greater scale.
Our children have a deep desire to learn, repeat, and perfect. By giving them external rewards our children come to understand that it is the finishing of something, not the process that is important. We want our children to learn, repeat and perfect and that is process - not product.
We want our children to want to do something for the betterment of themselves, the family, or others. We want that feeling to be nurtured within them, not prescribed by us. This can only come about by adults planting the seed of expectation and helping a child to grow into their responsibilities.
Use carrots, not stickers. The reward is what you learn, the skill you perfect, your social responsibility. Your gift is the growth of confidence, being of service to humanity, the agency that stems from internal desire. You win, not because of the thing you will receive but because of your life long drive towards success.