For me, parenting is definitely harder than teaching. When I go into work every day I know I am giving my day over to the children in my class. Whatever their needs are, whatever their day brings, I am there to live it with them. A wild day where we are washing paint off the walls, no one is hitting the toilet and naps seem optional - no problem, I’m there. A day where everyone has intense focus and just want to learn the art of flower arranging? Tag me in. When I chose to become a toddler guide I knew I could I harness that objective, open love for whatever we were going to experience in the day and go with the children in the community wherever they needed to go and help them as they developed.
Parenting is a completely different ball game.
It’s Friday and it’s been a particularly energetic week at school. I look forward to Fridays because we usually eat dinner with our good friends, our children play together as we have a glass of wine and dive deep into our adult conversations. Our children get along well, so we can usually rely on them running away to the attic and having an hour to sit together and enjoy adult time. On this Friday when the parents are tired, the children are more tired. The children run upstairs after supper and we are just settling in the living room when one child comes down whining that the others aren’t playing with them. Next, the three other children come down stairs all arguing over the same dress-up dress. We talk them through their challenges and get them back upstairs playing, letting them know that we can only stay together if they can work out their struggles together and have a good time. For the following fifteen minutes one or another child is in tears or complaining. We adults look at each other, it’s one of those times where we have to do what is best for the children even if we are missing out on what we want to do. We know that all the children need to head to bed even though we all want to hold on to the night a little longer. So I make the call, ‘It’s time for us to head home guys.” Four children dissolve, “We want to play together.” “We promise we will stop complaining.” “We will be better.” All through tears and yelling. Because we have been doing this for a while the grownups calmly give each other hugs, and my husband and I slowly move our children to the door and out towards home. This is when parenting is hard, when our children’s needs and our adult desires are in conflict.
It is important to understand as parents that the end goal with regards to discipline is that the children are self-disciplined – that they follow an inner commander and regulate their own conduct. But this development takes time and only comes about through careful preparations and guidance from the adults around the children. This means that we are always parents first when we are with our children, we make strong decisions and create clear boundaries about expected actions and behaviours so our children can learn discipline.
Children need boundaries and guidelines about appropriate behaviour. They need support and consistency in the way we meet them with our disciplining. Remember that children are in the process of creating themselves from what they are receiving from the world around them. To understand their world there must be order and rules. The most important tool for any adult working with a child is to ensure that the boundaries you make for your child are consistent and you are able to uphold them. All rules, if broken, should have natural consequences that are directly related to the rule. I encourage the use of natural consequences rather than rewards and punishments. Rewards and punishments directly work against a child’s inner discipline and do much more harm than good.
We know, as parents, that there will be times where our children need us to make the hard choices for them and times when our children will be able to self-regulate and manage themselves. This will change daily, or even situation to situation. What is manageable one moment is impossible the next. Knowing this, we maintain our calm and consistent love for our children and recognize that they are on the path to a greater self-discipline.
“Let us always remember that inner discipline is something to come, and not something already present. Our task is to show the way to discipline” (Maria Montessori, The Absorbent Mind).
For more tips check out my free resource on Freedom and Limits - The Path to Self-Discipline in the Resource section of this website.
Here are some great references regarding parenting and discipline in particular:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk - by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazush
How to Raise and Amazing Child the Montessori Way - by Tim Seldin
Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children - by Dr. Thomas Gordon
The Montessori Toddler - by Simone Davies
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason - by Alphie Kohn
Unruffled - Podcast by Janet Landsbury